Waiting for the World to End

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. I want to tell you to still be angry about what Wikileaks discovered. I want to talk about Rush Limbaugh’s impossibly stupid claim that non-profits rape the economy. I want to rant about how amazing Inception was and all the things I love about it. Instead, however, I will tell you about my personal battle with deciding to move to Atlanta.

As I’ve mentioned before, I have this manfriend/boyfriend/person/partner/thing that is in the military. He will be posted at Fort Benning in Columbus, Georgia in January 2011. I’ve known this since February. I’ve been going back and forth for a long time, but I finally concluded that there would be more what ifs and regrets if I didn’t go.

Currently there’s nothing there for me. No jobs, no friends, very few connections, and no home. I’m Craigslist-ing it hardcore and I’ve set up a profile on Roomster.com. Once I get there, I’ll start looking for a job, hopefully with a museum or an organization working with human rights and/or arts education. But I’ve decided 100% that I’m going to take this risk. On the bright side, I can also start seriously working on my photo project.

I’m really fucking scared. I might not like it. What if I don’t make friends? What if I can’t find a job? What if I don’t like my roommate? What if I hate the weather? (that will be a given.) What if, what if, what if. We’re told that we should take risks, that these are the best years of our lives, and yet with all the credit score and economy and healthcare mayhem, we feel discouraged from taking chances. But I’m in a lucky position. I have money saved up and I don’t have student loans to pay off. If things really don’t work out for me, I can always come home and start over.

What makes this really difficult though is making the decision alone. I made this decision because I’m in a relationship, but the other half of the relationship can’t help me make it. I think that’s something partners in the military will rarely understand. They made one life decision: to be in the army. After that, the army decides for them. Those of us effected by those choices have no say – if the government tells him to go to Bumblefuck, Kansas, I have to make the decision of whether or not I go, which means the success of the relationship depends on me. That’s really hard. And if you have kids, you have to pack them up and move them and take care of them all by yourself. He may like to think he can be a good father and a present father, but he can’t.

His first commitment is to the army, and there’s nothing you can do about it. I can tell you right now, I can’t marry into that lifestyle. Choice is too important to me, and it breaks my heart that my partner can’t make these choices with me.

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One Response to Waiting for the World to End

  1. It’s always good to make your own decisions. If you listen to someone else and it doesn’t work out you could end up resenting them.

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