There’s no place like California

I love home and the people who come with it.

There are few people in the world who can reassure me that it’s OK to be who I am. I recently lost one of these people from my life, but it was a choice I needed to make. There are few people who know me well enough to know exactly what I need to hear.

Example: I hung out with an old friend today. I told her about how frustrated I am with most of the people I’ve met in my college experience. I also told her about my frustration with my major and myself. I don’t feel I’m studying something that will help improve humanity, and I don’t believe photography is effective in making change. But, being the amazing friend she is, she told me that what I study has nothing to do with the rest of my life. Whatever it is I want to do, I can do. It almost seems silly, I know, but it’s exactly what I needed to hear.

Same goes for my dad. I told him that I won’t go to grad school or travel or buy a house or anything after college because I refuse to take out a loan. I don’t ever want to owe someone money. I don’t want to be in debt to anyone or anything. I don’t want to be owned. But, once again, my dad told me that money shouldn’t stop me from anything I want to do. As I was on the verge of having a hysterical breakdown in the cafeteria of the Met, he reassured me that it’s OK to be me and to be happy.

I wish everyone had friends and family like I do. I think the world would be a better place.

Lamp That Hangs Over the Pool Table

I recently finished reading Still Life with Woodpecker by Tom Robbins. Awesome book, borrow my copy, go read it. In the beginning of the book it states the following:

…yes, to make sexual love so secure and same and sanitary, so slick and frolicsome, so casual that it is not a manifestation of love at all, but a near anonymous, near autonomous, hedonistic scratching of a bunny itch, an itch far removed from any direct relation to the feverish enigmas of Life and Death, and a scratching programmed so that it would in no way interfere with the real purpose of human beings in a capitalistic, puritanical society, which is to produce goods and consume them?

I don’t think it matters that this is in the context of a love story. This is true. And after reading this I felt more than justified and OK with my vow.

And P.S.: “produce goods and consume them?” like eating babies? which is also OK I guess…

Dramamine

I don’t know about you, but I really love my parents.

My dad is visiting this weekend. We went to an awesome Vietnamese restaurant and then fixed my apartment. Then we saw the new Indiana Jones movie and had dinner. He walked me back to my apartment, we made plans for tomorrow, and he left. And now I am sad and want to cry.

Why? I’ll see him tomorrow. Tomorrow I’m getting us bagels and we’re going to see some museums. He doesn’t leave until Tuesday morning, and I’ll be home on Thursday. I feel like it’s my first time at sleep-away camp and I can’t go to sleep because I’m alone and away from home. I don’t want to be in my apartment in my room that I just painted green. I don’t want the freedom to hop on the train and go wherever I want. I don’t want to call my friends and do what we please. I don’t want anyone to call my own. I don’t want to be independent. I don’t want to be alone.

I want to go home. I want to be with my family.

Store Bought Scent

cel·i·ba·cy: noun. 1: the state of not being married; 2 a: abstention from sexual intercourse b: abstention by vow from marriage

ab·sti·nence: noun. 1: voluntary forbearance especially from indulgence of an appetite or craving or from eating some foods; 2 a: habitual abstaining from intoxicating beverages b: abstention from sexual intercourse

After looking up the definition of these two terms (Merriam-Webster definitions), I have decided that I have taken a vow of celibacy. First, I’m not married, so that part makes sense. More importantly, this isn’t really a vow of “voluntary forbearance especially from indulgence of an appetite or craving.” I don’t crave sex. Having sex for fuck’s sake isn’t fun. It’s always because it’s expected or obligated. It shouldn’t be. Two people shouldn’t go on a first date with the expectation of at least second base. Not ok.

Don’t get me wrong though, I like it. I want it. I want it real bad. But I want to enjoy it. Once I can find someone to really enjoy it with, there won’t be a need for this vow. So wherever you are, make yourself present. Pronto.

I disconnect the telephone

Hello again, ladies and germs.

It’s getting to that time of year. That time of year when we look back at pictures, visit our bars and places “for old times sake,” exchange summer plans, finish our finals, scramble for last minute housing, and generally say our goodbyes in one way or another. As stressful as this time can be, I find it refreshing. Why? Because this is my time for evaluation. But not just any evaluation, mind you. This is the time for friendship evaluations.

That’s right, friendships. I take this time to decide who is worth keeping, and whom I’m better off without. During the summer I will be 3,000 miles away from most of my friends, and I can’t possibly maintain good relations with everyone. As a result of this process, my inner bitch reveals herself and I have to tell you…I love her.

She does things I only dream of doing. She throws people away like a sad pair of panties. She marches over people like they’re her red carpet entrance. She tells people off like she’s got nothing to lose. I don’t have anything to lose. The only thing I have to lose are my good friends, but I hold onto them like my life depends on it.

I wish I could be like this all year. I wish I could always keep the important things and throw away the rest. I have this problem of not letting people go, and I wish I didn’t hold on to people who bring me down. Because they suck. And they have no purpose in my life. But I guess I’m always hoping that those people will surprise me and be worthwhile.

Selecting a Reader

Hello ladies and gentlemen,

if you don’t know anything about the title of this post or blog, we have a problem. go look them up. after that, we can talk. in the meantime, let me start with a little about me.

i’m a photography major. i’m an arabic minor. i live, for the most part, in new york city. i’m spending my summer at home in northern california. i’m studying at the american university in cairo in the fall. i’m declaring a vow of celibacy until i find it unnecessary. i have an internship that i love to bitch about but actually enjoy to some extent. i’m working on this self portraiture project i never thought i would do in a million years.

this will all be in the “about me” section eventually. now go look these things up.